April 16, 8:30pm EST
Warning: It's the news!
Apple unveils new "iPhall" sex toy
Anonymous sources within Apple have confirmed that a surprising new offering is set to hit the shelves in early 2011: the iPhall, which is being toted as "the ultimate stress relief and relaxation experience." Seeking to capitalize on rabid fan loyalty and what they refer to as "the unfortunate consequences of constant social networking and iPhone app use on our beloved customers' intimate activities," the new device applies Apple's design philosophy of ease-of-use and sleek styling to a hitherto unexplored area for the company: so-called "personal massagers," or "vibrators" as most of their users describe them.
New vibrating dildo "cute, simple"
The device's controls are similar to those of the ubiquitous iPod: a circular button on the base of the device turns it on, while a touch-sensitive ring around it allows the user to adjust the intensity and even cycle through certain pre-set programs. A feature one NYU student describes as "F___ing amazing" is the option to connect the iPhall to your iPod using a special splitter cable that will then sync up the vibrations of the device to the music playing from the iPod while the user is able to listen to the music at the same time. Exam failure rates among test groups have skyrocketed due to near-constant use of the device in general and this feature in particular.
iPhall "highly customizable"
In a move that analysts are calling "ingenious," the iPhall is being offered in a range of colors and sizes from the get-go. The iPhall Classic features an "interactive surface" of what Apple refers to as average dimensions with another four inches for the handgrip, with the Stallion and Comfort models falling above and below the Classic's dimensions respectively. The device comes with a protective sleeve or "skin" that fits over the device's interactive surface and is fully machine washable, made of a hypoallergenic polymer Apple whose composition is closely guarded. The skin is available in a range of tones mimicking human flesh as well as the more familiar colors available for the iPod and iMac.
Critics say battery life, "unrealistic shape" represent issues
Rather than fully approximate an erect member, Apple has chosen to go for a more ''evenly-contoured" look that fits with the smooth curves that dominate Apple product aesthetics. Beta testers said the shape was "okay" but a number indicated a preference for a more human look. One tester went so far as to call the device a "freaky robot penis," but indicated she would still buy one. The iPhall also suffers from longevity issues, with the advertised four hours of constant use being something of an exaggeration. Apple assures is customers that they are working on it, however rumors suggest that an exclusivity deal with the company who produces iPhone batteries may leave them with limited options.
Bugs to be addressed via peripherals, Apple says
Rather than adjust the iPhall's shape in future versions, Apple is instead opting to produce skins with contours that will give users a "more realistic experience without impeding functionality." Questions about how they propose to extend the device's battery life went largely unanswered beyond muttering something to the effect of "who the hell uses a god____ dildo for more than two hours a day?" Presumably someone will figure out how to jury-rig a backup iPhone battery into providing additional operating life.
Not just for girls
While the iPhall might seem to be targeted at women (and young women in particular), Apple is confident that the massager will sell across gender lines. Our source was quoted as saying "We're believe that the stunning brand loyalty our customers have shown us over the years will allow the iPhall to make inroads into the largely untapped heterosexual male market in addition to its obvious appeal to women and men practicing alternative lifestyles. We've already received hundreds of thank-you letters from San Fransisco, Providence, Chicago, Boston and New York, and we haven't even started shipping yet!" When asked why the item isn't being released until 2011 when the iPhall appears to be ready for market, our contact responded that the device is still undergoing "extensive product testing," and that Steve Jobs himself was very actively engaged in beta testing to ensure the final product conforms exactly to Apple's philosophy and vision.
Microsoft "Not even going to bother"
Apple's chief rival has remained strangely silent in the wake of this bold product announcement. Repeated requests for a comment were, however, met with the following response from an unnamed R&D executive: "Listen, we're not even going to f___ing bother, okay? Apple's iSheep will buy anything that falls out of or gets shoved up (Steve) Jobs' butt, so it doesn't matter what they make. If it's got an i in front of it, some idiot in Williamsburg will pre-order twelve just so he can write about it on his blog. Next thing you know every hipster in the country's buying them so they can "ironically" masturbate with all Apple products for twelve hours a day. Us? We've got to actually compete in the market, and it's pretty damn vicious there. We got pre-emptive death threats from five manufacturers if we joined in not even two minutes after this thing hit the wires. So no thanks, Apple can have this one." As an afterthought, he added "I guess the good news is all those Apple fanboys will be happy to go f___ themselves."
Based upon conversations with beta testers and our own brief exploration, we predict that the iPhall will sell huge when it is finally released. Allegations that the device causes bizarre side-effects from prolonged use are being vigorously denied by Apple, though rumors of sterility among more enthusiastic product testers persist. The $599 price tag is viewed as a bit steep by some, however we believe that based upon previous products' results this will be no barrier to the iPhall's success. Look for it in Apple and adult stores in Q1 2011.